Guilt

After being in Canada for so long, I have observed parenting in North America for a while now.

One major difference in North American parenting and Indian parenting is that in India, once you have a child, you are expected to have your life revolve around that child. Your own life takes a backseat.

But in North America, most specifically in Canada, people (most particularly women since they are the one who is expected to sacrifice everything) still have a life. They go meet their friends, plan trips with girlfriends just like their husbands do.

This is strange because in India, there are lot of child minders available at the drop of a hat. Most people live in joint family where there are lots of family member who can baby sit. 

Even those who live in nuclear family has access to very cheap nanny or even grandparents and uncles and aunts to babysit.

While in North America, hiring a baby sitter is expensive. You have to pay them by the hour and they only work up to a certain hours.

So in theory, if anything, in India parents should have more opportunity to follow their life's ambition, goals, dreams etc than in North America.

Then why in reality it is different?

Because of something we all are familiar with - Guilt.

In India, a woman is taught that motherhood is like getting a instant goddess status. But the cost of the goddess status is giving up on your own individuality, likes, dislikes, life goals to suit your children.

Again, there's nothing against those women who make this transition or choices willingly. But what about those who has other dreams beyond being just a mother?

Even if their children get a scratch which is part and parcel of childhood, they are told that it happened ONLY because they chose to have an ambition/dream etc. If only they give that up, their children won't get any scratch EVER in their life.

This guilt is never heaped on a man though. No one tells a man that their children got hurt/got into trouble only because they went to their work or chased their dreams. 

Why? Because a man's career is important. Someone has to earn the living.

Then why it's only applicable to men? What if the woman earns the living and the man sacrifices his ambition?

Not that anyone has to sacrifice anything. But I am just applying the current theory on gender roles inversely where people justify parental guilt on women. 

As every parents know, regardless how much you hover over your kids, they will get into trouble, they will get hurt and yes, they will also be occassionally annoying, whiny, crying etc. 

That's normal childhood.

If a woman feels no guilt chasing her ambition leaving her child in reliable, trusted care and returns home to devote her spare time to her children, she is still called selfish and a bad mother.

My question is why? 

Who knows their child's well being better than the parents? If both parents come to the conclusion that they both like their career and would like to chase their dreams and while they are at work, their parents or other family members can be the caregiver, what's wrong in that?

The child will grow up understanding that both men and women are capable of raising a family and being successful. The child will not associate gender with traditional roles and in turn will learn to contribute equally to a marriage because his/her parents set an example.

That's my point of the day today.


Episode: The episode starts with Ishwari telling Radha: The baby fell asleep after such a long time.

Mami: Yes, Jiji. Today he got in bad condition after crying so hard.

Just then Bhaiya, Sonakshi and Soha comes home.

Ishwari: Suhaana...

Suhaana is suddenly full of energy runs to her baby brother.

But Ishwari doesn't let her wake him up.

Suhaana wants to play with Shubh.

Mami also stops her.

Ishwari asks how is she.

Suhaana says that she is fine. 

Mami thanks God for Suhaana being fine.

Bhaiya says: Mami, what would have happened? Our Suhaana is very smart. She knows everything.

Suhaana says: I want to play with Shubh. Can I wake him up?

Ishwari says: No no. He has fallen asleep finally after a lot of effort. He was crying so much since this morning.

Ishwari tells Sonakshi: Now you just stay in front of his sight.

Sonakshi and Bhaiya look at each other.


Me: Hold on a second. How would Sonakshi stay in front of Shubh's eyes? He is sleeping. 

And if tomorrow, he cries every single day at his kindergarten, will you send Sonakshi to sit in front of his eyes to please him? 

What moronic idea is that?

Besides, Bhaiya stopped Shubh from crying. So why not Bhaiya stay in front of his eyes then?


Ishwari asks Suhaana: Suhaana, were you very hurt?

Suhaana says: Yes, I was hurting a lot.

Ishwari says in baby voice: Aww... Poor thing was saying she was hurting since the morning but no one paid attention to her. We are very bad, no? Sent my child to school. 

Suhaana says: The pain wasn't that bad, Dadi. It increased in school.

Mami: Awww... God knows who cast evil eyes on two kids. One had bad tummy ache, the other were crying since morning.

She glances at Sonakshi side ways.

Ishwari: He was without his mother for the first time, Bhabi. 

Mami agrees.

Suhaana says: Dadi, sorry. Maa got late because of me.

Sonakshi says: You don't need to say sorry. It's not your fault.

Sonakshi takes Shubh upstairs.


Me: My God, talk about heaping guilt. 

After every statement, Ishwari and Mami are making sure Sonakshi understands that everything happened today only because she stepped outside the motherhood boundary and tried to venture to her own personal choices.

No one once said anything about Bhaiya not being present either. It's all because of Sonakshi.

Shubh apparently cried himself to decline because his mother wasn't around. Never mind the fact that he stopped crying the second his father came home.


Mami tells Bhaiya: Dev beta, you were right. Suhaana is very smart. See, she didn't wake Shubh at all and let him go with Mamma.

Bhaiya: Yes, Mamiji. Kids learn from elders. I will go and help Sonakshi. Suhaana come with me.

Bhaiya left with Suhaana.

Me: Bhaiya, you made a very subtle point. I wonder if the "elders" got it.


Mami says to Ishwari: The kids these days think they'll try everything practical. We didn't turn our hair grey in sun. I think first we should raise our kids properly and then manage outside.

Ishwari: Who will tell these kids? 

Me: But I still don't know just how those kids are not being raised properly? Why are they turning every little childhood incident into such a big deal as if the kids got scarred for life?


Upstairs, Shubh is sleeping and Sonakshi is upset.

Suhaana asks: Mamma, why are you so sad? Did you miss Shubh a lot?

Bhaiya says: Your Mamma missed you both very much. But do you know why she is so sad? Because you didn't take the second dose of your medicine.

Suhaana asks: You are sad because of that?

Sonakshi says: If Soha doesn't get well, how will Mamma feel happy?

Suhaana says: All germs will die just now. Wait.

She drinks up the medicine.

Suhaana asks: Are you happy now, Mamma?

Sonakshi says: Yes. I love you.

Suhaana says: I love you too.

Bhaiya asks Suhaana to go to her room and rest.

Suhaana agrees but asks them to wake her up so that she can play with Shubh.

Bhaiya agrees.

Suhaana leaves.

Me: Do you see any mentally or physically damaged children here? They look pretty normal to me. So it's quite evident that her parents being successful entrepreneurs didn't turn them into psychopaths or sociopaths. 

Yet if you hear Ishwari and Mami without seeing the kids, you'd think Suhaana has got into drugs and tattoos only because Sonakshi went to a meeting.



Bhaiya sees Sonakshi's face. He says: Sonakshi, I know.

Sonakshi asks: What do you know?

Bhaiya: That you are upset with what Maa said.

Sonakshi: A little. 

Bhaiya: Sonakshi, today was your first day at work. That's why everyone missed you. They got used to you, naa. But don't worry. Everything will settle in few days. Then we will laugh how stressed out we were about this.

Sonakshi: But the thing is not just going to work leaving Shubh and Soha. Dev, today Soha was complaining that she had tummy ache and I ignored her? How can I be so careless?

Bhaiya: Sonakshi, we thought the kids were making excuses like always. We didn't do it deliberately. It was a mistake. We are also learning slowly naa? We made a mistake and learned from it. Now let's move forward.

Sonakshi: Dev, will we be able to become perfect parents? Do you think so?

Bhaiya puts down Suhaana's medicine glass and says: Come here.

He hugs her and says: No. We can't be perfect parents. But if we become perfect parents, everything will be so boring naa? We won't be perfect parents, we will become good parents. We will give our children everything that they need, what they want. We will fulfil their every dream. We will teach them something, learn from them something and will prove to be good parents.


Me: Let me interrupt a bit here. 

Bhaiya, you deserve a standing ovation for this. What an improvement!!!

You have literally said what I was trying to say.

Children don't come with operating manual like other household machines. You can't push this button to get this result or push that one to get that outcome.

Parents also learn parenting through trial and error. Overtime, parenting becomes easier because they get to know their children better.

But when they are young and yet to develop their complete selves, how can parents not make mistakes? That's very human.

They make mistakes, learn from them and develop parenting styles which works for their children.

All you can work for is to be a good parents. Perfection doesn't exist anywhere in anything.


Bhaiya: I am here with you and you are here with me.

They cuddle.

Me: And this is how you handle parenting worries. Single parents don't have this luxury. But married parents do. They can stand by each other, boost themselves as team and life partners and go back to the parenting business the next day.

When parents work as team, children feel more confident and protected. 


Next morning, Asha came to Dixit house.

Asha: Thank God, Soha is fine. When Sona called, I got so scared.

Ishwari: Ashaji, when Soha was little, I mean just born, how did Sonakshi used to manage Soha with work? That must have been very difficult for her, naa?

Asha says: Bijoy and I were there to take care of Soha. But Soha was totally Sona's tail. She used to follow her everywhere. At that time Sona just started her business, office was small and staff were also less. Sometimes, Sona used to take Soha to office and used to manage her while working.

Ishwari smiles and says: That's why my Soha has become so smart even at small age.

Ishwari thinks.

Asha: Ishwariji, what are you thinking? Tell me naa?

Ishwari: Ashaji, today's kids have different opinions from us, naa? And they have the right to live their life as per their own decisions. But when it comes to child rearing, new age thinking doesn't work. For that, they need parents' love and attention. For children, mother's love is like air and father's love is like water. They need both but while thirst comes every other while, you can't live without air.

Asha understands everything.

Ishwari: Ashaji, we all can give love and care to Shubh and Soha. But we can't give them mother's love. Only Sona can give it. I want Shubh and Soha get mother's love the way Saurabh and Sona got yours. Ashaji, we are their elders. If children do wrong, it's our job to make them understand naa?

Asha doesn't like what Ishwari is saying but of course, she agrees.

Ishwari is relieved that Asha agreed.


Me: Excuse me. Say what? Why is mother's love different from father's love? And how do you think children without mothers survive, Ishwari? According to your theory, children of single fathers should suffocate and die. 

The same way children of single mothers must also die lifeless without water.

Yet, single parents raise children everyday.

And why are you comparing Soha and Shubh with Saurabh and Sonakshi whose mother was a housewife? Why not compare them with Nikki and Riya whose mother worked? By the way, they are your children.

And Asha... God, what a pathetic excuse of a mother she is.

She agreed that a. her daughter is wrong because she wants to work and b. Sonakshi should sacrifice her career and become housewife because her mother-in-law thinks so. 

If nothing else, she could have said that it should be Bhaiya and Sonakshi's decision. But no. Why would she? 

I hope to God, no woman gets mother like Asha.


Golu is trying to cheer Soha with his antics.

Soha is not reacting.

Golu asks: How was it?

Looking at Soha's impassive expression, he says: Okay change.

Then he does something else.

Golu: Now this? I did two performance now. You are still angry with me?

Soha: There's still a little anger left. It will go after another performance.

Golu: If it doesn't go, then?

Soha: It will. I promise.

Golu: I am getting tired and I am also getting hungry.

Soha: Then you go to bed and let me sleep too. Okay, good night.

Golu: Okay okay. I am doing it.

So he performs some more.

Soha claps.

Golu: Did you enjoy it?

Soha says: A lot.

Me: Awww... That was so cute. I used to milk my sickness to make my cousins dance to my tunes as well. Since I was the youngest and the only girl, it worked every time. It reminded me off that.


Bhaiya comes downstairs to drink water. Ishwari hands him a glass.

Bhaiya says: How do you know what I want?

Ishwari: A mother always knows what her child wants.

Me: Ishwari is back again her motherhood song. It's getting on my nerves just like before. 

Bhaiya: And a child also knows what his mother wants.

Ishwari: You know what I want?

Bhaiya hugs Ishwari and says: You just needed my hugs. That's it. Maa, why are you stressing out? I told you naa, everything will be fine. Sonakshi just joined work. There are a lot of pressure on her. She is doing what she can. Besides everything will be fine once everyone gets used to it.

Ishwari: Dev, you can't reach your destination by riding two boats. Look, I am not against Sonakshi's work. But if right now her children need her more, why does she need to work?

Bhaiya: Maa, we two...

Ishwari: Don't argue with me. Just understand what I am trying to say. Dev, I raised you and your sisters with a lot of difficulties. I didn't want to leave you kids at home to go to work, but I had to because I was helpless. But Sonakshi is not helpless. We have everything we need for God's grace. Then why is she working?

Bhaiya: Maa, you think Sonakshi is working because of money? That's not it, Maa. It's a huge project. People work hard to get project like this. And do you know why she took this project? Because she loves her work and she wants to help those kids through it who are poor, and their health doesn't help them. And you tell me if Sonakshi doesn't help them, then there are so many kids who won't be able to study. What will happen to them?

Ishwari doesn't look convinced: God willing, those kids should stay healthy always. Sonakshi has such a big heart I know it. Sonakshi wants to do this work and this is a very courageous step. But why can't this work happen without her leaving for work? So many people work from home. I also used to do it from laptop at home. Then why can't she?

I am not saying that Sonakshi should sit at home and never work. I am just saying that she has two kids now and they need her. So she should stay at home and take care of them. Work is not more important than kids.


Me: I really like that CVs brought up this issue.

In our society, we look at a man's career as mandatory and a woman's career as optional.

A man must work even if he is the richest man ever and a woman must only work if she doesn't have a man to provide for her.

Why?

Even if this project was not poor kids and only just a regular project which would have made Sonakshi's business a success, she still has the right to pursue her career as she sees fit. It's her career, her decision.

The children need both parents, not just one.

Bhaiya can also work from home. But for Ishwari, it has to be the mother.

I am not sure if she is trying to glorify mothers to be the only solution to children's upbringing or trying to negate fathers to be no good at children's upbringing.

This statement should be as offensive to mothers/women as to fathers/men.

I don't think there's any task barring childbirth and breastfeeding which a woman can do but a man can't when it comes to their children.

If society keep convincing fathers that they are utterly useless without mother, they will continue to believe it which is absolutely not true.

Parenting is a skill. Just like any other skills, it can be learned.



Ishwari looks up and sees Sonakshi.

Ishwari calls Sonakshi: Sonakshi, come here. Look child, I said what I wanted to say. You heard it. Do you think I am saying anything wrong?

Sonakshi says nothing.

Bhaiya says: Maa, look. Now the world has changed. People raise their children while working these days. We will also manage.

Ishwari: That's it. You said "manage" naa? That's what you shouldn't do. Those people manage who have no option. But we have everything. Not everyone gets the opportunity to see their grandchild. You have it. God knows, what happiness you are running after that you are not able to see the happiness that is already at your home? Look, work comes and goes. But the children's childhood won't return again.

Ishwari leaves.

Bhaiya tells Sonakshi: Sonakshi, I told you naa. Everyone needs some time to adjust.

Me: The thing is that everything Ishwari is saying can be refuted in a heartbeat. The fact that the children are happy, healthy and secure. The fact that after sometime Shubh will get used to his parents being around him in the evening in the weekdays and all day in weekends, just not all day, everyday... Just like Soha and Golu are used to it.

Happy and productive parents raise happy and productive kids. It's just facts.

The point is not who made what decision. The point is that everyone should make decision which suit them and not to fit into a societal mould.


But Sonakshi feels guilty and she keeps thinking of what happened that day and what Ishwari said. 

Me: And let's face it. Ishwari might have referred to them both. But she only meant Sonakshi to make all the sacrifices.

Bhaiya comes out of the washroom and sees Sonakshi worried. He massages Sonakshi's back: Relax. You don't even know what talents your husband has. 

Sonakshi says: Dev, it's okay.

Bhaiya: Come on Sonakshi. I seldom get chance to take care of my wife. So let me do it. Today was the first day so everyone was stressed. Slowly you will get used to it and so will everyone.

Just then Sonakshi gets a call. It's her mother.

Bhaiya: See, even Maa knows that you are stressed.

Bhaiya then starts singing while Sonakshi picks up the phone.

Asha asks: Sona, who is singing? Dev?

Sonakshi says: Who else can it be, Maa?

Asha: I wanted to talk to you about something.

Sonakshi excuses herself saying that her mother wants to talk to her.

Asha says: Sona, I wanted to talk to you about today.

Sonakshi: Maa, I am feeling very guilty, Maa.

Asha: You are feeling guilty because you are a mother. Nature has some rules. Nature made women like this. Maa's motherhood and father's love is different. Like there's difference in vitamins and proteins? Both are necessary but they they work differently. Kids understand the dose of motherhood the best. That's why children understand mother word the fastest. Look, I am not saying that us women should only do this. We can do anything we want. We can achieve anything we want. But in a child's life a mother's importance is the most. A child needs his/her mother the most. You are very lucky, Sona. You achieved so much in life. But if today for your children, you need to step back two steps, then that's necessary. Why do you need to worry? Sourabh is there naa to manage the business.

I am saying this as a mother. Please think about this.

Sonakshi says nothing.

Asha hangs the phone. 

Me: I used to think Ishwari was the most regressive female in the show. But today, Asha became the most regressive woman I have ever had misfortune to witness.

Let's break down her monologue, shall we?

1. Mother is more important than fathers.

2. Children need mother more than fathers.

3. A mother's love is different than a father's love.

4. Nature made women this way.

5. A woman should not worry about career when there's a man available to handle her business she made into a success.

6. She should concentrate on her children because she is a woman. But her brother should concentrate on business because he is a man despite the fact that both of them have a newborn child.

7. And most importantly, a woman should take a step back from career because her children needs her more. And a man should step forward in his career because obviously his children doesn't need him.

Have I got it all?

Now my question to this is,

1. How exactly is a mother's love different from a father's love? Do they feel different? Is mother's hug has extra warmth which a father's love lacks? Does a mother being there any different than a father being there when a child needs it? 

2. Nature only allowed different functions in the birthing process to men and women. Society forced the gender roles on men/women.

Now in primitive time, men used to hunt. It was easier for men to hunt than women, so it made sense women to be the primary caregiver. But now the work men and women do, doesn't require gender specific skills to that extent. 

Then why won't people follow their own path as opposed to a pre-set society approved path?

3. Where were this same advice when Soha was young and Sonakshi had to work? Why didn't then Asha say that let Sourabh do all the work because Soha needs you? 

Because then she needed Sonakshi to earn the money so that her family can have a living. 

So Soha didn't deserve a mother's so-called superior quality love because they needed Sonakshi to earn a living. But Shubh does, since now the business is a success thanks to Sonakshi and now Sourabh can enjoy the fruit of Sonakshi's hard work.

Wow!!! Let me give her my slow, sarcastic clap.

Asha is a pathetic excuse for a woman and mother.


Shubh is crying and Bhaiya and Sonakshi are trying to put him to bed.

Sonakshi is thinking: Should I seriously leave work? Maa said the right thing.

Bhaiya is saying to Shubh: Okay, let's do one thing. Let's play a game. Is he hungry?

Sonakshi: No, it's not time for that yet.

Bhaiya: Does he need his diaper changed?

Sonakshi: No. I checked.

Bhaiya: Then what happened? Why is he not sleeping?

Sonakshi laughs: Tell Dad why aren't you sleeping? Or he will keep on asking.

Bhaiya: You mother thinks I don't know anything. Come to me.

Sonakshi: No. Let him play. You go to bed. You didn't sleep last night either.

Bhaiya: No. I will put him to bed. Tomorrow you have a meeting. And that village is so far where you have to go for that meeting. You have to wake up early and go.

Sonakshi: As if you won't go to office yourself...

Shubh chortles. Sonakshi: See?

Bhaiya: I know why he is not sleeping. 

Sonakshi: Why?

Bhaiya: Because if we keep playing with him, he won't go to sleep. And children needs to sleep at night for growth, isn't it?

He takes Shubh and puts him to bed.

Me: Bhaiya is nailing this parenting thing. He is absolutely right. Children needs routine and peace and quiet at night time. All experts say that if they are stimulated by sound, smell etc at night time, they won't go to sleep. So a quiet room/corner and complete silence will help them fall asleep.

Some experts say that if a quiet place is not possible, covering their crib or mosquito net with a blanket helps mimic the darkness of the night and blocks off all stimulation which helps them fall asleep.



Bhaiya swings Shubh to sleep: See, he fell asleep.

Sonakshi: Dev, I decided something.

Bhaiya: What?

Sonakshi: That I won't go to office.

Bhaiya is shocked.

Me: I am not. Sonakshi had always been misled by Asha. Asha has convinced Sonakshi that she knows best. So even when Sonakshi knows in her gut that she is speaking nonsense, she can't ignore Asha's wrong advices.



Precap: Bhaiya says: In our society, when a child is born, always a mother has to sacrifice. I have decided something.

Sonakshi: What?

Bhaiya: That we will change everything.


Next morning, Ishwari asks Dev to come for breakfast.

Bhaiya says: We have decided something.

Ishwari: What?

Bhaiya: We have decided that I will do all household chores and take care of the children. Sonakshi will manage her business. 

Vicky looks impressed.

Me: Awesome. This season is turning out to be absolutely amazing. It's challenging a lot of myths and wrong ideas about many societal norms.

And I am glad that Bhaiya was the one who took this decision. 

I know a couple where the man isn't very ambitious but the wife is extremely ambitious.

But thanks to society's burden, the wife didn't want her husband to give up high profile career and let her chase her dreams. She thought that people will make fun of them.

But the man was suffocating under his career pressure. Every morning he used to drive to work and get sick the moment he stepped into his office. Doctor said that he was suffering from psychological trauma. He was not really sick but he dreaded going to work.

He eventually went on stress leave and when he returned, he cut back on his work hours and took a lesser position. Now he is happier because now he has time to be at his son's games and his daughter's recital.

The mother on the other hand got involved in a charitable trust and now she is heading that trust. 

She got the management job she wanted and her husband is happier to have work-life balance. 

Not always it's only a woman who wants work-life balance. Sometimes even men crave to have family time along with a career. 

But thanks to gender bias, the society put one kind of pressure on men and another kind of pressure on women. 



No Rules!!! YAY!!!